


A White Christmas

by Charlie9646



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: AU, Christmas, Dark, Death not exactly canon though, Gay Severus, Grey Dumbledore, Grey Severus, Loss, M/M, Mental Illness, PTSD, Questionable choices on all fronts, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide Attempt, death of a character
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-02
Updated: 2019-12-02
Packaged: 2021-03-03 14:41:40
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 2
Words: 6,227
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21649936
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Charlie9646/pseuds/Charlie9646
Summary: Severus Snape is drowning, but no one can see it.  No one understands the loss only two people he has ever truly cared about.
Relationships: Regulus Black/Severus Snape, past Remus Lupin/Severus Snape
Comments: 5
Kudos: 22
Collections: Twistmas 2019 - A Dark Remix Xmas Fest





	1. Christmas Of Loss

**Author's Note:**

  * In response to a prompt by Anonymous in the [Twistmas2019](https://archiveofourown.org/collections/Twistmas2019) collection. 

> **Prompt:**
> 
> White Christmas

Severus Tobias Snape was the ripe old age of twenty-one, and yet he felt like he was a hundred years old. His very bones ached, his head throbbed. But the worst was not the pain that he had grown accustomed to, just as everything else he had ever been through. No, the worst was he wished to simply no longer existed.

To go to sleep and never wake up. To be done this wretched world and move onto the next. Surely hell of myth, even if it actually was real, which he doubted. It would be far easier to suffer through that than the hell he was suffering through here on this earth.

All it would take was a simple potion, he had it in his stock for a time such as this, for the right time to do this. He had just been waiting for the right time. Voldemort was dead, truly dead. No matter what Dumbledore said, Harry, her son was safe and that's all that mattered. His reason to keep on living was dead.

He was in his quarters down in the dungeons of the place he once loved, the place that was his escape from his father, but now he hated every bloody that was Hogwarts school of witchcraft and wizardry.

Today was the first Christmas since the man who he once considered the greatest wizard alive, had killed one of the few people he had ever truly loved, one of the few Severus had ever cared about. Lily Jane Evans was dead. She would never be Potter to him. He couldn't bear to taint her with that bastard’s name.

He had to make an appearance at the Christmas feast or someone might come looking for him, and that would ruin his plans. His plans to end his own pain the rest of the world be damned.

Severus was not some white lamb willing to go to his own sacrificial slaying, this black sheep was going to take the easy way out. Though to him, this was not an easy way out, this was just a progression of an illness he had been suffering from since childhood. The same one that killed his mother before for him.

Severus put on his softened with age leather boots for what he hoped would be the last time. He was now cheerful if all went well he wouldn't be alive tomorrow. He would not have to face another year with only suffering, and that was the only present he wanted, but no one but Severus himself would give it to him.

******************

Minerva, who would always be Professor McGonagall to him. Though when he tried to call her that she would hush him like he was still her student, and say, “Severus, we are colleagues now you should call me Minerva now.” 

She sat next to him at the head table, Flitch was on his other side. None of the others, besides Dumbledore that is, trusted him. Flitch did not either but the old squib was just as disliked by the people he worked with as Severus himself. Maybe in twenty years if he was not going to be done with it all that is, Severus might end up having more in common the wretched man than he would like to admit.

It was a nauseating thought even for someone like Severus. He had never been something to look at. No matter what Lily,later Narcissa and Regulus had told him. But Flitch made him look good looking, not because Severus himself was handsome, but the older man was that horrid looking. Regulus simply in all likelihood saw him as an easy lay. Someone so utterly desperate for affection and the touch of another person anything could be done to him.

Severus ignored the fact that he and Regulus had been together in a relationship for over a year, but Regulus like Lily was also gone. Snuffed out by the same monster that killed Lily. For no other reason than he could. For a short time with Regulus, Severus had been truly happy, even though for their whole relationship he had been waiting for the other shoe to fall.

That one day he was going to do something wrong, and Regulus would abandon him just as Lily had. Severus wondered was he truly even capable of loving someone? Maybe he was just far too broken for such a thing.

Maybe Christmas would have been better spent at Malfoy Manor. But, if he was there he would have to pretend that he wasn’t dying inside with every single breath he took. That he did not care that Lily was dead. That he was still loyal to the monster that had taken her from this world and into another. That she was just another he can’t even bear to think that word. The same one that caused him to lose her the first time. What her death meant he never convince her to forgive him for saying.

No, it was better to be at Hogwarts, surrounded by people who understood or at least pretended to the pain he was going through. Even if it meant dealing with them.

His former professor snapped him out of his thoughts with the statement, “Severus you really should eat more, you are already so thin. Don’t watch your weight like some silly goose. Now Mr. Snape, have a biscuit.”

He grabbed the biscuit of the tray in front of him to appease her. It was not like he needed to eat anyway, but with what he was going to do it wasn’t worth making the witch worry, he was already going to put the staff in a tough place with finding a new potion’s professor after he was gone.

Beyond that, if he did not put up a good act the inquisitive intelligent woman might put the pieces together, and take away his escape from him. That would be far worse than eating a far too sweet cookie.

Severus only stayed at the table long enough to not concern those who bothered to ever fret over him. Minerva is the only one who was worried about Severus himself and not what he could do for them. Well, truth be told that was Dumbledore and not really anyone else. Poppy was a mediwitch which meant it was her job to care for the whole school, so in a way, she really did not even count.

As he stood Minera said, ”Severus, your gift is delayed but it should be here tomorrow, silly owl ordering service, I should have just picked it up in person. But, I have just been so busy...”

Severus cut her off and said, ”Professor”.

The woman raised her one eyebrow at him and said ”you know what I have said about what you should call me, Severus. I believe in a way we were starting to become friends. And people do not call friends Professor, even if they are as closed off as you are.”

Severus opened his mouth to say something and shut it, he sighed and said, “Happy Christmas, Minerva, and I will try to get better at using your name, and thank you for the gift. I will happy to receive it tomorrow.”

Severus thought to himself it didn’t matter what the gift was. It was not like he would be alive to use it. It’s not like his promise about trying to be better about her name mattered, because she was never going to see him, alive again. So it was a moot point to say those things to her, but they seemed to bring the kind woman some comfort and that was a good thing.

He truly hoped that Minerva wouldn’t miss him, she was better than missing someone as worthless as he was. Even if he was never able to convince her of such fact.

Hagrid said to him, “Happy Christmas”, and Severus nodded.

Poppy smiled at him, and Albus said, “enjoy your quiet night Severus take some of this love food with you.”

Severus said, “you know me, Albus, I tend to not be able to eat a ton at once, what I had was quite good and I enjoyed it. Good night and happy Christmas to you all.”

*************************

Severus took off his boots and set them by the door. Making sure they were perfectly straight. He took off his outer robe and hung it up on the hook as it should be. He grabbed his hairbrush from the bathroom and started to brush out his still too-long black hair. He had not brewed today so it was not greasy, but having taken a shower earlier in the evening before dinner did help.

Severus stared at himself in the mirror in the loo. He took in his long fine straight limp hair, that brushed his collar. At one point he considered cutting it, but it had been this long for most of his life, his hair had been like this or nearly when he met Lily and he could not bear to change it. Partly because he hated change, and partly because this was as she knew him as.

Next, he stared into his reflections coal-black sharp eyes. At one point long ago he could have called them intelligent-looking, but now they just looked sad to him. They were the eyes of a broken man.

Next his too-large crooked nose, that had been broken too many times to count, by his father, by Sirius Black, by James Potter, and then before the monster had died the dark lord. Maybe it wouldn't look so horrible if it had been set right after the breaks or broken less. His mother couldn't afford to get him medical attention for ”just a broken nose” as she would say. Her own had been broken by the monster she married frequently as well.

By the time he Severus went to Hogwarts he had simply gotten into the habit of not telling people when he was hurt. That had upset Lily greatly. Sometimes he wondered if his time at school would have been better if he would have spoken up about the bullying he received, and the abuse that was done to his body by his father when he was home for the summer.

Merlin only knew if it would have made a difference. He was a realist, not a Gryffindor.

His scarred hands rested on the counter, his long pale fingers. The tips stained by his love of cigarettes, just as his teeth were. It's not like he had anyone to impress now, was it?

Severus was avoiding it without thinking about it, but then he snapped out of the actions that would lead to him not trying to take his own life. Severus stripped off his shirt and slacks. He dressed in his favorite sleep set. They had been a gift from Regulus, the soft flannel even reminded him of the man. He might even for half a second as he lay dying feel like he was in Regulus’s arms. That would be such a wonderful last feeling he thought to himself.

He was after all just going to go to sleep, but this time unlike every other time he would just not wake up. If it worked that is. He had fallen asleep many times back before Regulus was murdered, falling asleep in his arms.

He put on a pair of soft worn socks and pulled out the potion from his nightstand and set it on the top of it. Severus turned down his blankets, Did he really want to do this? Severus thought to himself. Was he truly sure this is the time and place he wanted to end his life?

No this was not what he wanted, but neither did he want to lose Regulus when he was only twenty-one, no he did not want to be the reason- the real reason- Lily was dead. Severus did not say the spell to kill her himself, but he was the monster who had shared the information with the dark lord.

He was the one who told him about the prophecy, but the only reason he had was the creature had promised him information about what happened to Regulus if he brought back something useful.

The bastard laughed once Severus told him the truth and said, ”the traitor is dead of course, go find yourself someone else to fuck you up the ass.”

Lucius had given him a lookout of the corner of his eye that said without one word hold it together. If Severus you break down in this room it will only give him reason to torture you. It didn't matter the demon who might as well of been sent from the fieriest pits of hell in that moment with those words Severus realized he had sold his soul to a madman. Worse than Lucifer himself, because at least Lucifer had once been an angel, this man was pure evil if there had ever been such a thing.

Lily was gone, Regulus was gone, and his mother was had died during the summer after his last year of school. Severus felt he had no reason to continue fighting the same demons that had killed his mother. He got under his covers rested on his soft feather pillow, reached for the potion, uncorked it with long stained fingers. Severus sighed and then took it. He laid back on his pillow and dreamed of Regulus making love to him. He dreamed of Lily forgiving him. He dreamed of the family he once wished to have with Regulus.

Severus Snape got to experience all he had ever wished for until he did not anymore.

*********************

Severus woke up to the sound of someone talking. Surely this isn’t hell he thought, this was far too comfortable to be hell. His throat hurt though as did his head.

He tried to open his eyes his eyelids feeling like they weighed a hundred pounds. He wanted to curl under the blankets and go back to sleep. But then he heard someone say, “just wake him up, why don’t you! I need to talk to him. About the choice he made last night.”

Was it Dumbledore? It couldn’t be, Albus was not dead. And he sounded so angry, what had Severus done last night to upset the man? He barely remembered last night.

Poppy hissed, “headmaster or not Albus this is my hospital wing I will not have you terrorizing my patients. That boy needs help. Not a lecture from you about doing something wrong.”

Severus started to awaken more. The headmaster said to the mediwitch, “I plan to talk to him about getting help, Poppy, the boy is like a son to me.”

She sighed, “surely like a son, right, then why did you do nothing about the signs of abuse I mentioned when he was actually a boy? Cat got your tongue? Or he simply wasn’t someone important enough then to warrant your attention.”

Dumbledore said, “I did tell someone, his mother.”

The witch said, “the same woman who I would be you anything was also being abused. The good that did.”

Albus said, “please just leave us be.”

She said, “no not until he’s awake and I have checked him over.”

Severus stopped trying to fight and ended up falling back to sleep. But for a quarter of a second before that, he was able to get his eyes slightly open and saw nothing but white sheets and blankets. They did not have a white Christmas yesterday, which was quite unusual for Scotland, but in a way, he was having a white Christmas. Though instead of snow it was a Christmas made white by hospital bedsheets and blankets.

Part of him wished he was dead and the other part of him was happy he was not.

*****************

When Severus fully woke up Albus was sitting on a chair in the corner of his hospital room. The man was dressed in God awful royal purple robes with bright silver stars on them. They twinkled in the candlelight of the hospital.

The man said to him, “your finally awake.”

Severus said, “yes... I am.”

Dumbledore said, “you know what you did was utterly stupid, right?”

He said to the man, “depending on how you looked at it.”

The headmaster said, “no not depending on how you look at it. You do not seem to understand that you cannot take the easy way out. You have a job to do.”

Severus laughed, “you could simply find another Potion’s professor. Someone who actually enjoys their job, and is actually quite good at it. Unlike me.”

Albus said, “no Severus I did not just hire you to have you teach a class. I hired you so when he comes back it will look like you have continued to do what he asked. So you can feed him with useless information. So you can be trusted when you spy on him.”

Severus said, “what if I don’t want to spy on him? What if I don’t want to be your workhorse? What if I simply want to have a real-life or no life at all?”

The older man laughed, “Severus you lost the right to make that choice when you choose to join him and then you gave him the prophecy. Don’t pretend you are some innocent person. You made your bed now you must lie in it. You have marked yourself as one of the damned, and now you are going to use it to make a difference.”

He said to the man, “so I don’t even get a choice.”

Albus said, “no you do not get a choice.”

Poppy stuck her head in and said, ”actually he does get a choice, Albus. Severus roll up your left sleeve.”

Albus said, ”what in the world do you even mean Pomfrey?”

She said, ”Severus will show you.”

Severus was in total utter shock but did as he was told. Poppy was one of the few people in his life he knew he could truly trust. Once he was done he flipped his arm over and stared down at the pale scarred, but untarnished by the skull and snake. He was free, truly and utterly free.

Dumbledore’s eyes turned to saucers as he stared at Severus’s arm.


	2. Will I See You Again?

Severus felt free in a way he had never felt in his life, he didn't want to die now. Merlin no, he had been given a second chance a real and true second chance. He just had to go and live his second chance.

And then Dumbledore had to go and ruin it just because he could. Like he had to ruin every single thing. Just as he had sent Severus on the path to end up a marked death eater by not bothering to try and protect his pupil from his abusive parents. So, no speaking up would have done no good because they already knew about his suffering at the hands of his father. The only one the wizard bothered to tell, was his mother, who was more of a beaten-down dog scared of when the next strike would come, than a witch.

The man spoke and said to Severus, “not so fast Severus, I have news that may change your mind about running away from this war.”

Severus could not help but snap at the man, ”what is it then, what would make me want to give up my second chance at a better life?”

Dumbledore shut his eyes and said, ”Peter Pettigrew is alive. He's the reason the Potters are dead. He betrayed them. He was their secret keeper. He is a death eater, and spied on the order. He's the real reason Voldemort found them. And even if you would not of said anything he might have still figured it out, because the rat may have told him. ”

Severus snarled, ”you just said what?!”

Albus said, ”do not make me repeat myself, Severus.”

The younger of the two shoved his face in his hands,then shouted ”you let me believe I was the reason she was DEAD! You left her son with her magic hating sister instead of letting someone decent raise him. Claiming he needed to be protected from the magical world. And yet Headmaster, you allow the man who may as well of killed the Potters himself walk free. And they call me a monster. They don't know what a God Damn monster is. I wonder what your precious wizarding world would think of such news.”

Dumbledore said harshly, ”are you done, Severus?”

Severus’s mouth gaped like some strange sort of fish, in utter shock that the man wasn't even trying to defend himself. That he seemed to even agree with his statement. Then said, ”what about Black, shouldn't he be free? And instead of that, you're letting him rot in Azkaban. Surely I would expect better treatment of one of your favorite Gryffindors.”

Dumbledore’s normally bright grandfatherly blue eyes narrowed. This man was showing he was a dangerous and powerful wizard. The powerful man who defeated Grindelwald was still there, even if he hid such a fact behind charm, a grandfatherly like personality and acting like a light wizard. This man was dangerous, as surely as Voldemort had been just in a rather different way.

The headmaster sighed, ”surely you and many other people can name many reasons Sirius Orion Black belongs in Azkaban. Even if he is not the reason the Potters are dead.”

Severus said, ”and yet he was never even expelled for such things”.

Dumbledore said nothing, the damage was done to Severus’s trust in him. If it had ever been there at all. He should have done a better job of protecting the Slytherin, but he needed a spy on the dark side, within Voldemort’s own ranks. And the once gangly strongly disliked, downright nearly ugly Slytherin boy was a perfect spy. The half-blood was just as unbalanced within his footholds in either world as Voldemort had once been. How Dumbledore himself had been long ago and by his own hand how Harry would be.

This war was not pureblood's and muggleborns, this was a war of half-bloods even if no beyond himself could see such a fact. That was why the man who had once been Tom Riddle went after the Potters, not the Longbottoms. Because Neville, was a pureblood, and Harry was a half-blood.

Dumbledore said to Severus as he placed his on the man’s, ”Severus you see now it is for the best things stay as how they are now though, right?”

Severus yanked his hand out from under the hand of the man he once respected, ”no I do not see the reason for things to stay as they are!” Tears started to pool in his black eyes. I wish the rest of the world to see what type of monster you are! You might as well of killed her yourself. You might as well of being the one who neglects the boy. It's by your handiwork it all happens!”

Dumbledore spoke, ”Good people don't win wars, Severus, and I for one never did claim to be a good person. The difference between us and them is we are people trying to do good things. For the greater good, Severus, for the greater good.”

Severus in some ways couldn't believe he was even saying this but he did, ”I will not say anything if you promise me one thing, Black will not be released and if for whatever reason he is or escapes, he will be done away with. And no one will know about my relationship with Regulus, no matter what.”

Albus said, ”so you don't want the world to know you have a heart? That you are like the rest of them?”

Severus said, ”if they must see me as human we will claim that I loved Lily.”

Albus said, ”better to be a creep than a gay man” the man nodded. ”just as it is better the be seen as the strange professor who likes socks a little too much than a gay man who loved a monster.”

Severus should have been shocked by such a statement, but he was not and said, ”you of all people understand why. I cannot spy for you anymore in the way I did, but I can still help with the efforts”.

Albus said, ”are you not worried about what death eaters will do to you?”

Severus hissed, ”glamours can be used. And if anyone does go after me I will either deal with it or perish with my soul intact. I will not take the mark again.”

Albus snarled, ”we will agree to disagree on such things until the time comes. You will not let anyone know the truth of not having the mark anymore. It will not leave this room. Understood?”

Severus nodded.

******************

It was exactly that way until Severus Snape reconnected with Remus Lupin. He knew he shouldn't do so, the man stood by as a boy and watched be tortured by his friends, he was a werewolf, but most of all he would never be able to be truly honest with the man.

Shouldn't a relationship be based on honesty? Isn't that what Lily had said to him one time when he tried to apologize to her. He had that once with Regulus, but that was as gone as melted snow.

He deserved a small bit of happiness even if it was based on lies. Before the war went to hell again. He started to believe that Dumbledore was right and the dark lord was going to come back. Things like that monster rarely stayed truly dead. Not unlike Severus himself or Sirius Black.

The man had never it seems been put down like the dog he was. The world we be a better place once he was kissed by the dementors, but they were taking their sweet time on such actions. But, when it did part of him wished he would be allowed to watch. Watch the man pay for his real crimes. Not the fabricated ones.

That was why he needed to end it with Lupin and he would tonight on Christmas, just to make sure the other man would never want to repair their relationship, so the man would go back to doing what he was supposed to do hating Severus with every single fiber of his being. And it would take place on a white Christmas.

Black was not the color of death to Severus, white was. Because the light had been the one that had truly been darkness to him. Far darker than any dark wizard had ever been. Because they pretended to be something that they were not.

Part of him wished that Remus would see straight through his lies, but he was a spy after all and he was one of the best liars of this century. Remus Lupin stood no chance of seeing through them.

Remus left Hogwarts that Christmas in tears, trampling through the snow. And Severus sat in his armchair by the fire in his quarters with his face covered in tears of his own.

Dumbledore insisted he had to do so. Things had to be the exact way he said that they were supposed to be. For the greater good. He somewhere along the way had started to hate those stupid words. He was twenty-five and had just lost the one person who he thought he could love just as much as Regulus if only he let him truly in.

But Dumbledore reminded him of his promises. No one could know. Truly Severus did not care about that, but what stopped him was the fact Wormtail was still alive. He couldn't truly move on until the rat that had caused both Lily’s and Regulus's death was dead.

Dumbledore had a noose around his neck, tightening ever so slightly over the years, and yet he couldn't jump. He had to protect Lily’s son. He had to stop Voldemort if the monster ever returned. He had to avenge both Regulus and Lily. He was back to the edge of a cliff and yet he simply could not jump.

At that moment Severus Snape realized happiness was just simply not for people like him. No matter how much he craved it like anyone else did. At that moment Severus decided it,he would not see the light at the end of the tunnel, he would do all of what he was supposed to do, and then he would either let someone kill him for the greater good or he would do it himself. He would have an end to this wretched thing he called life. He might not gain happiness in this life, but he would gain peace in death.

The same peace his mother now had and the same peace he had craved when he had tried to take his own life.

Severus’s Christmas present to himself this year was a promise that his suffering would one day end.

And then he heard a knock on the door to his quarters. For a moment his heart leaped before he made his way to open the door. Surely it had to be Remus, understanding that he had to say those horrible things that he did not mean. That he had grown to love the man over their time together.

But no instead he was faced with Minerva, his once professor, and his new friend. The only living connection he had to his mother. She told him years ago she had gone to Hogwarts the same time as Eileen, and while they were not close she did her best to tell Severus about the side of his mother he never got to know.

The side of Eileen before Tobias had broken her. Before he shattered her into something that had no desire to protect her son, herself or do what was right. The woman who did not care about anything other than her drugs and cigarettes. The kind of person that Severus hated to admit he was becoming more and more like.

The type of person that Regulus wouldn't have fallen in love with. The type of person who was ruining and wasting his second chance at life. Nothing could be done about it though, the path was already laid out for him, Severus simply had to follow it. Even though he was a Slytherin, and maybe because he was, the thing that Severus was best at was following orders.

Minerva saw his tear-stained face, blotchy and red, eyes downcast thinking about so much besides the person standing in front of him. She said softly to him, ”surely Severus it cannot be that bad”, as soon as the words slipped past her lips she knew that was the worst thing she could of possibly of said.

She could see he was at his very breaking point, so close to snapping just as he had done the Christmas after Lily had died. He had seemed better after it, even having started a relationship with Remus Lupin of all people. Such an odd sight to see, but they seemed to work quite well together. Two damaged people being a little less damaged together.

Minerva asked him, ”what happened Severus, where is Remus?”

Severus shut his black eyes and said, ”gone he's gone. I ruined it just like I have ruined everything else in my life.”

She didn't deny it, she didn't tell him that was not the case. There would be other times for such things. Those words were the last Severus needed, he needed what she was going to do.

His former professor said to him, ”now let's go have a cup of tea together and talk about it. But Severus you need to be truly honest with me. I don't care what promises Dumbledore has made you make. You will tell me the truth. The whole truth, because son I don't believe that man has your best interest at heart. Sometimes I wonder if has anyone’s best interest at heart.”

With the snow blanketing the campus outside Severus told her the truth. And for the first time in his whole life on Christmas Severus felt free.

**********************

He would one day meet Regulus again, but not in heaven, but also not in hell. Death found Severus Snape, not by his own hand. He surrounded around by his friends and people who had become like family to him. He may have not been exactly a good person, but he had as Dumbledore once said had done ”good things”. It was Christmas Eve the night he died, and it was snowing. It seemed it was going to be a white Christmas he thought to himself.

Remus and him never became close again, but that was due to the fact when Sirius escaped from the prison Severus encouraged the two to get together. They were a good match, even if he would never be fond of the man, Remus who he had become friends with deserved to be happy.

And surely Sirius had suffered enough to pay for his actual crimes.

The day Severus Snape died he was sixty-two years old young for a wizard, but as Lucius once told him such things tended to happen to those with muggle blood. Same as muggle diseases. He was dying of cancer. Some rare type, that affected too many things to list off mentally when he was just too utterly tired to do so.

Dumbledore was dead though and maybe that was why Severus was allowed to be truly happy for a short while. The boy that the man had encouraged him to be so horrible too, sat at his bedside. Like he was losing some great friend. And in a way, they were friends, the decades after the war had turned comrades who hated each other into something close to if they were any other two men the term would he friends.

Harry reached for his hand,held it, and said ”Severus, just remember that people care about you, but we don't need you to hang on for us. You can go find Regulus now, I am sure he misses you greatly.”

Severus couldn't think, he was just so tired, so utterly tired. He felt as if he was underwater yet he could not break through the surface. The white hospital sheets reminded him of something that happened so long ago. Regulus’s funeral. He sat the back unable to take his rightful place, he was just the worthless half-blood that Reg had been slumming it with. Until he could find a nice pureblood witch to marry.

That was not the case though, that wasn't true. If the world would have been a better place it would be Regulus hold his hand, not Harry.

But Severus was going to see him again.

************************

It took Severus a moment to realize he was in fact truly dead now. His hands looked younger than had in decades when he looked down at them. He wore heavy winter boots, muggle jeans something he had not worn since he was a teenager. A heavy wool black coat.

Under his feet was snow, the soft white powder reminded him of his first date with Regulus. They were supposed to go on a hike, on a day that was supposed to be a beautiful fall day.

It turned out not to be the case. The night before their date it had snowed four inches. Instead of giving and doing what most people would do, they stuck to their guns. They were going on the freaking hike weather be damned. They each had fallen close to twenty times. As they did though the other would laugh and help him up.

The two teenagers had acted like children that day. They both received an escape from their lives that day. From their families and their realities. Together.

Severus looked out across the snowy field, he saw nothing as he scanned the field and what little he could see of the forest beyond it. And then he saw him.

He started to shout, ”Regulus! Regulus! REGULUS! It's me, Severus. Merlin have I missed you.”

But the other man never turned to face him, it was as if he could not hear him. This barren snowy wasteland was neither heaven or hell. There was a chance at happiness here. You just had to pay for what you had done. Who knows how long Severus must shout and not be heard.

Just as Dumbledore must relive all of what he has done. Just as Sirius must spend his days all alone. Just as James must watch in his own horror Lily chooses someone else.

But the thing that Severus does not know, is that Regulus is calling out to him as well. When they truly understand what wrong they have done they will be able to hear the other.

They will share a meal and it might even be a Christmas dinner, which that was what they were supposed to have the night that Severus learned that Regulus was dead. But surely as it was that night it will be a white Christmas.


End file.
